Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.