pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth