Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

dictator is short for richard potato

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where