Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.