Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

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Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?


The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.


Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.


There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”


My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?


Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.


These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.


My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.


My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better