@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

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@_4kidscrazy

Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

@LizHackett

There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”

@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

@Beardson

These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.

@Lisabug74

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better