Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
You Might Also Like
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Lucky old June.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician