Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.