Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.