Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Love it! 👍😂
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.