Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner