Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!