Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.