Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.