Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
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they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Just a reminder, folks:
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
⛄️
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.