Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.