Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…