Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

The future is now.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏