Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Tell me you get it…🤣
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.