Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

There’s never enough good news

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?