Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Cndnsd Mlk
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.