Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?