Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

“you recording!?”

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.