Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
This is a whole mood;
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Who called it baking and not making love
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope