If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You Might Also Like
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Mountain Goat : )
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question