Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

classic mixup

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.