Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.