Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

one last job

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.