Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.