Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
You Might Also Like
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Modded the new Gran Turismo
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Baking is just science you can eat.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!