One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.