Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]