Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Hmm 🧐

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

We are the people our parents warned us about.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.