Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
There are no pants in heaven.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A French press is when you hug naked
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Damn what did I do next
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”