Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
one last job
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Sheep
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*