Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

I only treason on days ending in y

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON