Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wrote a book on penguins.
Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
What happened to the other hiker??!
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.