I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“We will wed,” I threatened
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Inside you there are two wolves
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.