Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
You Might Also Like
White Castle for the Win
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
going to the ER y’all need anything
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car