Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
