Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.