Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Am I having a stroke?

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked