Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.