Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password