[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.