Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe