Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
79.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.