Pro tip for my good boys out there
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Pandas 🐼🖤
Discuss
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Finally! 😈