Pro tip for my good boys out there
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.