Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.