Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You Might Also Like
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.