Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Blocked: 1985

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.