Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Lmfao

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Hmm, not sure about this change

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.