Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag