Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
You Might Also Like
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing