Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
