Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
