Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
when nothing goes right… go left
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
