Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
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Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it