Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
You Might Also Like
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.