Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
You Might Also Like
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“Theirye’re” problem solved
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping