Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?