Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
How your email finds me
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]