Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults