Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Husband of the year 😂

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Best table by far

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

It’s on my to-do list.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test