Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.