Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fp0-LCkaIAIGupF.mp4

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what