Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Meat Cute
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
No regrets in 2018
