Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?