Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Facebook memories be like
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work