Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Couple goals

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.